You gain strength, courage, and confidence from every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.
~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Several days into 2025, I found myself unwell.
I was nauseous, not hungry, and I had a dull pain in my lower back. Sleeping was uncomfortable. There was a sense of dread as I got up in the morning.
I pride myself on having emotional stability. I resorted to my usual strategy of "fake it till you make it." I downplayed the affliction, but this was scaring me.
None of my go-to self-healing techniques were working. I felt like an imposter, unable to walk the talk.
Having been isolated for most of December due to adverse weather conditions, it was heartwarming to be surrounded by family over the holiday.
Perhaps it was just the post-celebration let-down - the fear of renewed disconnect.
Initially, I just wanted to numb the pain. But, numbing does not address the underlying cause. I had to embrace it.
Why was this happening for me, as I have asked others to ponder when suffering on occasion?
As I thought about that question, I had a revelation.
The message revealed from the pain
You never know how strong you are, until being strong is the only choice you have.
~ Bob Marley
I seldom get sick. But, a year ago, I found myself lying on the couch achy and nauseous (déjà vu). For a change, I was the one who needed care.
My husband came up from the basement, having completed a challenging workout. It had been exactly two months since his first stroke.
He attempted to have a conversation with me. He was substituting words, and I had no clue what he was saying. He was frustrated. I was scared. It was clear he’d had a second stroke.
He thought he was fine and that I was overreacting. Taking him to the hospital myself was not going to work, partly because he refused to go, and I felt sick. I had to call an ambulance, even though I knew they would have trouble finding us.
I remember thinking, I can’t be sick. I have to look after the sick. I'm the strong one. When I display weakness, others feel vulnerable.
One year later, the fear of being sick was making me sicker. I could no longer be stoic. I needed help. I had to share my thoughts and feelings with my husband. He understood and was eager to help.
Although I had dealt with the more traumatic events of the first stroke by doing therapeutic journaling, I had done nothing about the second. I started journaling, deconstructing the story, and rewriting it for growth and resilience.
Closing thoughts
Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that, right now, we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
Trauma affects our mind and body, even when we aren’t aware. Years after the event, we can experience physical pain, distress, and suppressed immune function near the date of what had been an overwhelming experience.
Of course, it's only in sorrow that past adversity makes us sick. In joy, we face the challenge and defy it.
Untreated past trauma can significantly impact our future health.
For me, therapeutic journaling opened the doorway to recovery.
Never ignore the emotional realm of healing. Please seek professional care if you suspect unresolved trauma is hurting you.
Fortunately, I feel better and vow to prioritize self-care without obsessing about it. It is a gift I give myself and others.
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