Kindness that turns to bitterness when it is not appreciated was never kindness at all.
~ Vironika Tugaleva
Research shows that there are countless benefits associated with an attitude of gratitude.
But, giving with an expectation of being thanked, praised, acknowledged or rewarded, sets one up for mental distress or an adversarial mindset. It is unsavoury to witness a disgruntled giver.
Character is most evident by how one treats those who can neither retaliate nor reciprocate.
~ Paul Eldridge
To give unconditionally means we are not attached to an outcome - something expected in return. There is no delayed gratification or validation required.
If we give because we feel obliged, resentment over any perceived lack of appreciation becomes more of a risk.
Why I write this today
When someone tells me they like something that is mine, I offer it to them, and they take it, I experience an immediate high. With unconditional giving the giver and the receiver feel good immediately.
Brightening the day of a homeless person also brings me joy. As does preparing tasty meals for others. I forget that I gave and, at times when acknowledged, find myself diminishing the effort.
Somehow I feel a little disappointed when I receive a formal thank you card.
Perhaps I am triggered because writing thank you cards is not something I do on autopilot. Sometimes I forget, and getting one makes me feel inadequate.
I never had to acknowledge a gift formally growing up. Writing thank you cards is not hard-wired into my brain. Stationary was a luxury. And, we had no birthday parties or other opportunities for gift exchange during the first decade of my life.
I did learn to say thank you ad nauseam and to give selflessly. If someone did something nice, we were encouraged to express our gratitude in person or reciprocate when the opportunity presented itself.
It is best to become curious as to why people behave a certain way. Cultural imprints linger unless there is an attempt to rewire the brain. Assimilation into a different country and its traditions is hard work.
Awareness is the first step to create change. It is a work in progress for me.
Common courtesy
When a gift is not personally delivered, it is courteous to acknowledge having received it as soon as is possible. Naturally, people are eager to know we got it.
If no acknowledgement of receipt is forthcoming, the giver may politely ask if the gift arrived. It is draining to ruminate about any perceived lack of appreciation.
It is also polite for the recipient to apologize for not acknowledging receipt sooner and avoid becoming defensive upon inquiry.
Closing thoughts
Our greatness has always come from people who expect nothing and take nothing for granted...
~ Michelle Obama
To the giver
Give and forget about it.
It is prudent to give without attachment to the outcome. Unconditional giving is up-lifting. Conditional giving depletes our energy.
Become curious about behaviour that is dissimilar to your own.
To the recipient
Offer sincere appreciation with reckless abandon.
It is courteous and well-advised to express gratitude for a gift upon receipt. Whether the expression of gratitude is offered traditionally with a thank you card, a phone call, in person or digitally is irrelevant from my perspective. It’s the thought that counts. Times and traditions change, and so must we.
What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.
~ Albert Pike
Comments