Let it go - forgive

To err is human; to forgive, divine.

~ Alexander Pope

In 2006 Charles Roberts walked into an Amish schoolroom and shot ten young girls. Five of them died. He then killed himself.

While suffering unbearable grief, the Amish community forgave and offered support to the shooter's family. He was not Amish. Some of the victims' families even attended his funeral.

Forgiveness is the foundation of the Amish moral code. They believe that salvation is not forthcoming unless they are willing to forgive the trespasses of others.

Charles’ mother, whose initial instinct was to move far away, was treated with compassion.

The generosity of the Amish community compelled her to help look after one of the severely disabled survivors.

I have a clear recollection of being overwhelmed with emotion upon hearing this story. How many of us can forgive such a heinous crime?

I get that we cannot condone bad behaviour and that citizens deserve protection from criminals. But rather than just seek to punish, we must do our due diligence to prevent and rehabilitate. It is a moral imperative.

How do we do that personally and collectively?

It starts with each of us. We have to become the change we want to see in others.

Seeking retribution or revenge is far more harmful to our health and sanity than poor diet, sedentary behaviour and other bad habits.

Forgiveness is key to healing ourselves and the world.

A personal story of forgiveness and healing

Every spring since 2006, I have, at times, been plagued with allergies. Last week, out of the blue, I had a day when I was especially reactive.

Allergies are an over-reaction by the immune system to a substance or food that is not harmful to most people.

Air quality reports showed that the pollen count was high the day I was struggling. Many others were suffering too. I have not yet adapted to local pollens, given this is my first spring living in cottage country.

But, for me, on that day, the emotional trigger became apparent. My eyes were itchy, swollen and watery. I was retaining a lot of unshed tears and angst.

In May 2006, we left a community we loved to move into a new home. The move was hard on our marriage, impacting family dynamics. I was resentful and felt like a victim. Stress and vulnerability triggered an immune over-reaction - spring allergies.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

~ Mark Twain

I see two types of anger. One is righteous anger and the other is blame anger.

Righteous anger can lead to constructive behaviour, creating healthy boundaries, addressing injustice, making things right.

Blame anger makes one feel like a victim. It can either mobilize aggressive behaviour or cause one to suppress the angst and embody it. It can cause inflammation.

Righteous anger mobilized me into action. I focused on what was broken in the physical realm and addressed the environmental causes.

I became upset with excessive herbicide and pesticide use and the community preference for male trees - pollen producers. Female trees were less desirable because they flower and fruit making them messy for clean up. But they receive pollens. They do not emit them. I expressed my concerns to local political leaders.

In the fall, I enrolled in a holistic nutrition program. Being exposed to all that is not right in our food supply further fuelled my passion to advocate for health-promoting change.

In 2008, when local authorities banned herbicide and pesticide use from gardens in our community, I found other sources of contamination to target - a power plant, electrosmog, and chemical additives in our drinking water and food supply.

At my children’s high school, I volunteered for a program designed to bring parents and caregivers together in a quest to help raise happier, healthier, more resilient teens.

Busyness kept me from addressing the underlying emotional cause of my health concerns. It was my way to control and numb when feeling vulnerable.

Last week when a minor grievance with my husband triggered the extreme allergic reaction, I paid attention. Every spring, the embodiment of the trauma of marital discord from fifteen years ago is re-activated. I had suppressed my blame anger. To date, I had not made the connection. Awareness helped create change.

Time to let go - forgive

There’s a story of a baby elephant tied to a stake on the ground. It tries with all its might to break free but is unsuccessful. Eventually, it stops trying. Even as it grows massive and can easily break the stake on the ground, it stays put.

Feeling trapped is not conducive to flourishing. There may have been good intentions to shelter and prevent escape at one point. But freedom will come from letting go and forgiving.

Grievances and past hurt take up too much real estate in our brain. They drain us of energy and keep us stuck.

Having now learned enough to know that forgiveness is a step towards experiencing heaven on earth:

• I apologized to my husband for my tendency to want to run away when he raises his voice

• I explained that his facial expressions and tone of voice can send cues of safety or threat. When feeling threatened, I don’t trust him, and I search for a way out

• I accepted his apology for mishandling my questions

• He agreed to answer me more respectfully

• I vowed to look forward and not backwards and asked that he do the same

• I thought about and shared what I am grateful for in our relationship and acknowledged the value of lessons I have learned through our challenges

• Recognizing his tendency to want to control his environment and others when he is feeling abandoned, I felt compassion

• We both recognize children can feel trapped by controlling adults. But in adulthood, having the freedom to leave a controlling situation, at least temporarily, is healthy and well-advised

• We acknowledged that neither of us is perfect but that we are committed to continuing to learn and grow together

Forgiving relieves stress. I have been significantly less reactive. We have slept with the windows open at night, which I could not do in the spring for many years.

I am grateful for the lessons learned in the past. Challenges presented opportunities for growth and transformation.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

~ Lewis B. Smedes

Collectively, if every one of us decided to let go of our grievances and past hurts, we could channel our recovered energy for the greater good.

The status of our living conditions is a reflection of our collective choices. Rather than judge, blame and focus on revenge, let us forgive and let go of the need to control.

Religion can become dogmatic and tribal. But, today, religious ceremonies and rights of passage may be the only exposure people get to righteous living - and far fewer of us partake. We need some form of spiritual (or higher power) connection and mindset coaching.

With the need for dual-income households to make ends meet, we have to find a way to raise happy, healthy, resilient children and young adults.

Prevention and rehabilitation should be prioritized and monetized appropriately.

We have to be willing to forgive ourselves and others, let go of emotional baggage and live guilt-free.