People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
~ Leo J. Burke
Two weeks ago, on the internet I was prompted to watch an accomplished high-performance coach speak. Having learned a lot from him in the past and eager to learn more, I clicked play.
But for the second time recently, he joked that his wife, who cooks strange things in the kitchen and looks after their twin boys at home, sits around on her butt all day. Both times he admitted he was joking, yet somehow I was annoyed.
Why the trigger?
Likely because I believe child care and housework are already undervalued in Western society and I expect better from a mentor. I don't want to perpetuate this way of thinking.
Child-rearing is often outsourced by the affluent, who are also more likely to influence policymakers. They have no idea how demanding the job is.
Nor have they yet grasped the impact of neglecting early childhood development on community health and future productivity.
Opportunity to impart wisdom to prospective parents
A week later, at a social gathering, a well-intentioned young person, mentioned that a friend on maternity leave, was bored silly. She had nothing to do. I suspected otherwise.
I had also heard another comment about this new mom setting limits on her husband’s ability to participate in male bonding activities. Her attempt to control didn't resonate with the peer group who did not yet have a clue about the demands on new parents, especially mothers.
The incident triggered memories of how I felt when my husband went out golfing on weekends when our children were little. He worked hard all week and deserved the break on the weekend.
I longed for a break too. But because I felt it was a privilege, as society had instilled, to stay home to raise my children, no matter how exhausted I was, I was complicit. I let him go. I did not have the courage to express my need for a break.
The comments above from prospective future parents presented an opportunity to impart wisdom - to make right what I had done wrong - not see the value of my contribution as a diligent stay-at-home parent.
I want caregivers to feel safe expressing their need for help and acknowledgement.
Re-emphasizing teachings from last week’s blog
The amazing thing about becoming a parent is that you will never again be your own first priority.
~ Olivia Wilde
Those who do not outsource childcare, and do not have help, know that raising a child is the most challenging job they have ever done.
A stay-at-home parent is on call 24/7. To do their job well: they must be willing to prioritize the needs of another human being, learn how to nurture and nourish a child optimally, become the psychotherapist, teacher, role model and life-long consultant.
As I mentioned here, and I repeat myself because it is worth repeating:
The fetus becomes accustomed to mom's resonance in-utero and relies on proximity to her to help attune its developing central nervous system. (The new infrastructure facilitating work from home, with the ability to outsource housework and maintenance, will help provide much needed proximity for young mothers to their babies.)
Research shows that the absence of primary attachment figures, usually mothers, in the first three years of life, when 85% of the right brain develops, can set one up for stress disorders later in life.
Unless an infant is soothed as needed and receives cues of safety in the formative years, brain development, and central nervous system function, will be impaired. Yet, we've had former generations trained to let babies cry it out to get to sleep, and beliefs that children are meant to be seen and not heard.
We live in a culture that applauds early back to work efforts post child birth and diminishes the value of child care.
This has not served us well. Mental health has become a growing epidemic and efforts are being made to prevent it. To raise a happy, healthy, resilient infant, reassurance that their needs will be met is imperative. An infant must have a consistent and committed caregiver who feels valued.
Seldom, as new parents, are we prepared for the added workload and increased demand on our time. We have a new boss who does not pay. Our expectations are that we get paid for our work. So we outsource the hard work to someone else who is willing to work for less.
I was clueless too
At a work shower pre maternity leave, I was given canvasses for painting. I aspired to paint and brush up on a foreign language. I had absolutely no clue what was to come.
Some days early on, post child birth, I could barely even find the time to change out of my pyjamas or brush my teeth. I was exhausted.
I was deprived of intellectually stimulating conversation, relaxing meals and coffee breaks. I did not outsource housework and yard maintenance, lest someone think I was a slacker. I prioritized my child's needs, yet felt incompetent in my attempts to meet them. Like many others, I tried to be supermom and failed.
I was far from bored. I did not have the luxury to sit around all day. I had to learn to lower my expectations about what was possible to accomplish on any given day. Some days, all I could manage was to keep my baby safe, comfortable, loved, and fed.
New parents are often sleep-deprived. Unbalanced hormones wreak havoc on their well-being. Even if mom goes out to work, or for a much-needed break, the constant worry for the well-being of her offspring may be all-consuming.
Some have the privilege not to worry about the infant. It is a luxury likely afforded because they have outsourced that worry to someone else. Hopefully, that someone else is rewarded and compensated appropriately and has the skills needed to do the job well.
Of course, the love I felt and the joy of witnessing a first kiss, first steps, first words are priceless. It was such a privilege to be there to cherish these special moments. I have no regrets.
Failure to parent well early in life may increase the need to compensate later
In the 19th century, when men started to work outside the home and became perceived to be the breadwinner, childcare became women’s work and highly undervalued. To this day, this attitude persists to the detriment of stay-at-home parents and caregivers. Feeling like an expense is not uncommon.
If the co-parent is not supportive, unaware of the demands on the caregiver, the environment into which the infant is born may not be harmonious. Depending on the innate sensitivity of the infant, if they do not feel safe, they may suffer from internalized trauma and become highly reactive and anxious indefinitely.
Closing thoughts
As a society we are starting to evolve and awaken exponentially. The growing body of research on childhood trauma and adverse childhood events is gaining traction. Social determinants of health will no longer be overlooked.
An enlightened new world will value what matters most.
A healthy society starts with recognition and reward for what David Brooks refers to as eulogy virtues, not resume virtues.
Eulogy virtues include kindness, compassion, gratitude, love, wisdom, courage, integrity, prioritizing the care and well-being of others, especially our offspring and the environment.
We are moving away from prioritizing individual success, to prioritizing the co-operation and cohesion of our collective well-being; away from tribal thinking and patriotism, to global, planetary and universal mindsets; away from doing battle to making peace.
We are moving towards creating a harmonious living environment for all - especially our offspring.
Mindful parents recognize that they have benefited tremendously from the unconditional love they feel and the invaluable lessons they have learned from child-rearing.
Having children presents challenges that facilitate our personal growth and transformation. It also presents the greatest joy and sense of connection we've ever experienced. Let us love our children unconditionally and give them the mindful care they deserve.
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