Circumstances do not make the [person], they reveal [them].
~ James Allen
I remember having to write a book report on Louise Hay's book You can heal your life. This book is a reference guide to probable mental patterns behind dis-ease.
The content did not yet resonate. It was tough to wrap my head around the fact that we can create physical symptoms through the power of the mind. My rational brain thought the claims were highly unscientific.
Louise Hay invited us to believe that we chose the circumstances and environment we were born into for soul growth and transformation.
What? I love my parents, but I did not pick them, as implied. I was having none of it.
Imagine thinking that way, though. No longer are we victims. Every challenge becomes an opportunity to facilitate our growth and transformation. That’s empowering! I've changed my mind.
Now as a wellness coach, I encourage adults to take 100% responsibility for their outcomes. No victim stories. No blaming. No excuse-making. I learned this from Jack Canfield, founder of the Chicken Soup for the Soul publishing empire.
I listen compassionately and attentively to the person’s story and their primary health concern. When appropriate, I ask why something might be happening for them as opposed to, to them. I invite the person to consider any possible secondary gain from their predicament. Awareness helps create change.
This approach may seem disrespectful when a person is suffering pain or cancer or a mental health challenge. I gauge receptivity.
In my experience, the curiosity about how we may have contributed to our suffering is the first step in sustainable well-being. If we think we are victims of our genes, only medical intervention can fix us. If we think we played a role in the cause, we feel more empowered to participate in the healing process.
I have at times been an outspoken critic about the injustice of blaming the victim and the perception of personal responsibility
Over a decade ago, I attended a school board information session on illicit drug use. Two parents who had lost children to opioid overdose were part of the panel. A panel expert stated, and I paraphrase, that there are “good” kids and “bad” kids. Good kids don’t do drugs.
Are you kidding me? I lost it. I stood up and proposed a “hypothetical” situation for panel experts to consider:
Okay! So a youth has their wisdom teeth extracted. The dentist prescribes an opioid pain killer. Not only does it numb their physical pain, but also their emotional pain - same pathway. They become addicted and develop tolerance. They need more and more to get the same effect over time. When they try to quit, it feels like the worst flu one could ever experience. They’d rather die than live like this. And they do.
The pharmaceutical company that brought to market the widely prescribed and highly addictive opioid drug I referenced claimed the drug was not addictive but has been found guilty and charged for making false claims.
Another panel member suggested I was assigning “blame”. Okay, I was definitely blaming drug manufacturers and over-prescribing in the medical field. Fortunately, a pharmacist in the audience spoke up and confirmed my hypothesis with a real-life story. Maybe I helped create awareness for a systemic problem. One small step for change.
Another example where I have had an issue with personal responsibility is the Public Health campaigns to promote healthy weight. Focusing on calories in and calories out while condoning the sale of junk food seems egregious to me. Telling people to eat less and move more seldom works.
The quality of calories matters. Food provides information that can promote health or dysfunction. It can switch genes on and off, for better or worse, impacting our ability to self-regulate. And there are places - food deserts - where the only food available is highly processed food-like substances. It’s unjust. I’ll add some suggestions about this near the end.
Back to self-empowerment, overcoming victimhood
You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself.
~ Jim Rohn
I have come to realize that well-being seldom happens when we focus on the physical realm exclusively. Thoughts and beliefs matter. If I believe I am a victim of circumstance, I am.
When I hear women express stories of abuse suffered at the hands of men, I think: we raise them. How we nurture plays a significant role in the outcome. How can we as parents, teachers, governments, community, society raise mentally healthy, respectful young men?
Children operate from programs installed in their formative years. They learn to react based on how they observe primary caregivers react.
Sir Michael Marmot, one of the world’s foremost advocates on health inequality, encourages that we build back fairer post the pandemic. Social, environmental, and economic inequality in society is damaging our health and well-being.
A report released last year found that Canada ranks almost at the bottom of the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) countries – 33rd out of 35 – for the number of children aged five and younger who regularly attend an early childhood education program. The authors believe that the best way to deliver what children need in the early childhood is through the public system, equalizing opportunities for all.
I was glad to see the allocation of funds for childcare in the recent Canadian budget. Children are our best resource. We must prioritize their care and pay caregivers adequately. Supporting and educating parents and other child care workers in the quest to raise happy, healthy, resilient children is critical to a thriving society.
Back to weight gain, which continues to be a growing concern for many. Ideally we provide access to healthy food for all and encourage self-sufficiency through community gardens as one simple example.
But how can we overcome self-blame and victimhood when dealing with excess weight? Becoming curious about how weight gain may be serving us can be the missing link in deciding to release it. We need to identify and find a more constructive way to deal with the underlying cause.
Am I eating when I’m just thirsty? Am I drinking enough water?
Is my constant hunger due to a lack of variety in my diet? Am I failing to satiate all the nutritional needs in my body? Or, have I lost metabolic flexibility. Have I lost the ability to unlock stored fuel, having now to rely on incoming food to energize me?
Am I using food to numb emotional pain, to fill a hole?
Is my body protecting me from toxicants by encapsulating them in fat cells, where they cannot circulate and harm other body tissue?
Are these my cravings or the cravings of opportunistic yeast or bacteria in my gut?
Am I trying to make myself big when I feel small?
Do I have a subconscious fear that being thin may make me more vulnerable to a sexual predator?
Do I need to change my self-talk and to love myself more?
Personal responsibility means letting go of the need to blame. Blaming family members, peers, economic circumstances, governments, or society for our personal failures and struggles will get us nowhere.
Being complacent in unjust circumstances serves no one well however. We have to have the courage to stand up for what is just. Let us not tolerate bad behaviour.
In the UK the mantra has been "build back better" post covid. I like Sir Michael Marmot's "build back fairer"proposition better, especially when it comes to early childhood development. We can do it!
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